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Published On: Tue, Aug 22nd, 2017

8 Eagerly Awaited Films (Are Starting To Smell Like Failure)

Making a big-budget movie is never easy. People are regularly required to put up with insane hours, crazy weather, and Nicolas Cage. But that's all just part of the job. Sometimes, though, it's obvious that an upcoming film has been cursed by some pissed-off deity who's doing anything in its power to prevent it from being finished. There's no other possible explanation. Here are eight upcoming big-name movies that may never see the light of day -- and even if they do, everyone involved will probably wish they hadn't.

#8. Gambit (Of The X-Men) Keeps Getting Shafted

Gambit, a 25-year veteran of the X-Men, has maybe five character traits. He throws explosive playing cards, smokes cigarettes, dresses in a questionable trench coat / pink bulletproof vest ensemble, speaks in a ludicrous Cajun accent normally reserved for talking alligators on off-brand hot sauce bottles, and spent decades pining for a Southern belle hardbody whose mutant power is "vampire skin."

"Unnnhhh, mes boules sont toujours bleues."

He's also in the same position Deadpool was in a couple of years ago: No one outside of hardcore comic fans gives much of a shit about him, but there's a famous actor who's been dying to play him in a feature film.

Yep, those are the only two things they have in common. There's absolutely nothing else.

That actor is Channing Tatum, who it seems was the one kid alive in the '90s who didn't want to punch the TV whenever Gambit opened his mouth in the X-Men cartoon. So, given how desperate the studio is for X-spinoffs, this movie has to happen at some point, right?

Nope. Even with Tatum fully onboard, the film has been turned down by at least four different directors, as if it had a contagious disease (which at least seems in-character for Gambit). When they finally scored the guy who directed Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes, Rupert Wyatt, the shooting date got pushed and Wyatt dropped out due to a scheduling conflict. Hell, they nearly lost Tatum himself over negotiations, and it doesn't help that the film is gonna cost way more than everyone initially thought -- a whopping $150 million, or 0.6 Dawn Of Justices. It's like Hollywood is a Rube Goldberg machine, except every part of it just kicks Gambit in the nuts.

But then, last year, all of the pieces suddenly fell in place. They had a script, a star, a director, and a large financial commitment from Fox, who wanted to make the Gambit character a cornerstone of their X-Men movies for the next several years. There was nothing stopping this movie, unless something completely unexpected came out of the blue to take Gambit's place ...

Remember how we mentioned him four paragraphs ago? That was foreshadowing.

Oh, right. The amazing success of Deadpool has led to a sequel being greenlit, and since there's only room for one wisecracking Marvel mutant, Gambit got yoinked from Fox's release schedule. But don't despair, Gambit fans (that is, Channing Tatum). Fox has to run out of other mutants eventually.

#7. The Queen Movie Wants Freddie Mercury To Die Midway Through

Besides having a voice like a choir of angels caressing your taint, Queen frontman Freddie Mercury was a perfect purveyor of the rock and roll lifestyle. Mercury's life was the kind of thing that would be perfect for a hard-hitting, no-holds-barred biopic -- which is why it's weird that Queen wants the movie to be a family-friendly flick in which he drops dead halfway through.

Please tell us the rest is about Freddie's ghost helping the others solve mysteries. Sexy mysteries.

Seriously. The band had Sacha Baron Cohen on board to play Mercury, which is a perfect fit if you want a movie about sex, drugs, and epic mustaches. Unfortunately, Cohen ended up leaving the film in 2013 when he found out that Queen wanted it to be a PG-rated movie that stripped out pretty much everything that would have made a Freddie Mercury biopic interesting. Not only that, but the band was apparently very excited about the events of the middle of the film, where Mercury would kick the bucket, leaving the entire second half to be about how Queen picked up and moved on from this horrible tragedy.


"The last half hour will be about our three-minute American Idol performance."

As Cohen so eloquently put it, "not one person is going to see a movie where the lead character dies from AIDS and then you see how the band carries on." He's technically incorrect, since at least three people would go see that, but still.

Now, after losing both their lead actor and their director, the band is bringing on the writer of The Theory Of Everything to rewrite the script again so it's more to their liking. Meanwhile, Queen guitarist Brian May told Rolling Stone that he was worried about Cohen's acting style overshadowing the character of Freddie Mercury. He won't have that problem with his new choice of "a motionless dummy in a coffin."

#6. The Sonic The Hedgehog Movie Will Probably Be A Mess

With Sega in some financial trouble and nowhere near the heights of success of their heyday (roughly three years in the early '90s), it looks like they're revving up a Sonic The Hedgehog movie to try to catapult their most famous mascot back into the spotlight. The only problem is: How the hell do you make a Sonic movie? Do you base it off the games, which have been diminishing in popularity for a number of years? Do you look for inspiration in fan work, which seems to be a mix of romantic fanfic and odd fetish art?

Or do you go after the more story-oriented world of the comics, where things get ... weird?

Presented without comment.

As we've covered before, the Sonic comics are an unholy mess of convoluted storylines, cute animal characters dying horribly, and everyone making out with everyone else. Perfect material for a movie about a talking hedgehog!

But seriously, what exactly are they doing with the film? A now-deleted Facebook conversation with the writer revealed that they were aiming for a PG-13 rating, which suggests that the crazy all-out bloodbaths of the comics might be a reality. Later on, the CEO of Sega officially confirmed that it will combine "live action and animation." So to recap, it's gonna be darker than the games, and at least partially set in the real world. Why does that sound so fami--

Oh no.

Our advice: Drop all the gritty crap and let the magical being who runs the official Sonic Twitter write the movie. We can only hope it measures up to his cameo in Wreck-It Ralph.

#5. Joseph Gordon-Levitt Quit The Sandman Movie

Discerning comic book fans dodged a giant bullet in the '90s when a film adaptation of Neil Gaiman's beloved Sandman series got cancelled. As we recently told you, producer Jon Peters wanted to turn the complex, high-concept fantasy story into a vapid punch-fest. But then in 2013, it looked like the world was finally ready for a real Sandman movie. Joseph Gordon-Levitt, famous movie star and comic book nerd, teamed up with screenwriter David S. Goyer and Gaiman himself to weave a script that would do the character justice.

Then the film received a new writer, and Gordon-Levitt quit literally the next business day.

What exactly was the big deal with getting a new writer? Well, JGL was adamant that this be a different style of action film. In fact, both he and Gaiman were insistent that the main character never throw a punch. So you can see how he might be concerned when Eric Heisserer, the writer of Final Destination 5, was suddenly assigned to the film.

As it turns out, this is yet another thing you can indirectly blame on Zack Snyder. Not long ago, Warner Bros. moved all of the movie adaptations of DC's Vertigo Comics (the publisher of Sandman) to New Line Cinema, probably to avoid conflict with the creation of Batman V. Superman: We Still Can't Believe This Is The Actual Title. Part of this move included some staffing changes, which is how Heisserer came to be the film's writer. Gordon-Levitt would later say that he and New Line did not see "eye to eye" on the direction the film should go in, which we take to mean "the Sandman is now going to punch all of the things."

"I'm gonna punch the shit out of her face."

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_23928_8-films-that-will-be-upcoming-until-end-time.html

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8 Eagerly Awaited Films (Are Starting To Smell Like Failure)